WS draft two is being very difficult.
Very slow to make progress.
Very wordy.
Very confusing.
Very worrisome.
Very all-over-the-place.
Almost completely rewritten (first time I've done that o_o).
It's also teaching me a lot.
In essence it's being exactly like the process of writing a rough draft. Which is... bad. Because that means it needs another revision before it's even readable by the general-populace-of-people-who-don't-exist. And a lot of work.And stressful as I said, because I have to write a lot every day to make sure that I hit my goal. Which is to have a novel that makes sense by June 28 :P I just realized that the other night. That I have got to really get going if I want to make it in time.
Before that happened, I was trying for 500 words a day. And rarely making it. Most days I wrote nothing.
Now I have to revise at least 1,652 words of the rough draft every day. Which doesn't sound that bad.
Until you remember that it takes me way longer to get anything across now than it used to (used to being around this time last year, when I first wrote this novel).
So instead of 0-500 I've been averaging around 3,000 words a day - for only the past two days since I concocted my plan. I have to keep doing that or I won't make it. Let's hope I can keep up the ... relatively strenuous pace. It's actually quite an adventure. I love it. I would do writing novels this way all the time if I could. It's just hard to get myself going if I don't have much incentive.
Anyway, good thing summer is coming soon. ^_^ Except that it's going to be crazy busy. So we'll see how that works out...
Here's what I had accomplished less than 2,000 words into today's writing:
The first 20,861 words
The first 109 pages
The first thirteen writing chapters
The first three plot chapters
The first Act/Part.
This reminds me of that time two years ago when I got excited and had a tiny celebration because I had written the first three chapters to my first ever real novel.
Oh dear. Seems like a very long time ago... I feel almost as inexperienced then as I do now...
And I understand now why writing with more wordiness - and not being able to be concise when you try - is such a burden to writers. I am sorry, people who write >100,000 word novels. I am sorry.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
From a few days ago
Being consumed with self-hatred is as much self-idolization as being consumed with self-love.
It is still selfish to hate yourself beyond being able to function, the same way it is selfish to love yourself beyond being able to function. In either state you are incapable of recognizing the greatness of God and the beauty of others. In either state you can become overly or misdirectedly passionate or demotivated, depending on your personality. In either state you WILL hurt and alienate others because your only concern is for yourself.
Who am I to think God might not exist? It’s obvious, everywhere around me. Just the fact that I’m able to be in awe of the intricacy of things is close enough to proof. The fact that the Bible has survived all these generations and that people are so changed by Christianity is close enough to prove that Biblical doctrine is truth – that Jesus Christ really did die on the cross thousands of years ago, and that that really is enough to where God now has the capability of loving me.
Even when I doubt that He exists.
Even when I run from Him.
Even when I pretend I’m the only one who matters.
Even when I cling to my own pleasure-seeking will.
Even when I rage against the people who don’t bow to my ‘supremacy’ and acknowledge that I’m the center of the universe.
Even when I won’t trust Him with my failures, let alone my successes.
Even when I try to get self-gratification OUT OF relationships instead of putting real love INTO them.
My lack of motivation to LIVE because it’s too HARD – squandering the life I’ve been given - is based on my own understanding. Trusting myself. Believing that all that I can see is all that is truth. Yet how blind I am, which is shown by the things others see that I do not. How small I am in a million. And that is my rightful place. BUT I STILL HAVE A PART, NO MATTER HOW SMALL.
That’s what’s important not to forget. I cannot take this to either extreme or I will fall to utter self-absorption – I cannot be so wrapped up in the huge glorifying role I must play in life and other peoples’ views of life and other peoples’ opinions and my own sense of need for fulfillment, that I cannot see the much smaller yet somehow much more filling piece of plan. Because my plans are so big that they will collapse, and so clumsily constructed that I can’t even navigate them. On the other hand, I cannot be so wrapped up in how incompetent and weak I am and how nothing I do matters and I cannot impact anyone or be loved by anyone or do anything right because I’m so lame, that I can’t see the things God will give me if I TRY while TRUSTING Him. I thought I had that down, but apparently I didn’t.
I think that it is a lot of grace that my utterly awful attitude about myself and life and the way I’ve hurt other people and worried other people has STILL yielded to this realization.
Soli Deo Gloria. Glory to the One who made us all and knows infinitely better.
Thank you for staying with me despite my faults, especially the ones you can’t see. Please always encourage me, as long as it is in you, to keep going with a whole heart no matter what I might doubt.
-Me. April 30 2012.
It is still selfish to hate yourself beyond being able to function, the same way it is selfish to love yourself beyond being able to function. In either state you are incapable of recognizing the greatness of God and the beauty of others. In either state you can become overly or misdirectedly passionate or demotivated, depending on your personality. In either state you WILL hurt and alienate others because your only concern is for yourself.
Who am I to think God might not exist? It’s obvious, everywhere around me. Just the fact that I’m able to be in awe of the intricacy of things is close enough to proof. The fact that the Bible has survived all these generations and that people are so changed by Christianity is close enough to prove that Biblical doctrine is truth – that Jesus Christ really did die on the cross thousands of years ago, and that that really is enough to where God now has the capability of loving me.
Even when I doubt that He exists.
Even when I run from Him.
Even when I pretend I’m the only one who matters.
Even when I cling to my own pleasure-seeking will.
Even when I rage against the people who don’t bow to my ‘supremacy’ and acknowledge that I’m the center of the universe.
Even when I won’t trust Him with my failures, let alone my successes.
Even when I try to get self-gratification OUT OF relationships instead of putting real love INTO them.
My lack of motivation to LIVE because it’s too HARD – squandering the life I’ve been given - is based on my own understanding. Trusting myself. Believing that all that I can see is all that is truth. Yet how blind I am, which is shown by the things others see that I do not. How small I am in a million. And that is my rightful place. BUT I STILL HAVE A PART, NO MATTER HOW SMALL.
That’s what’s important not to forget. I cannot take this to either extreme or I will fall to utter self-absorption – I cannot be so wrapped up in the huge glorifying role I must play in life and other peoples’ views of life and other peoples’ opinions and my own sense of need for fulfillment, that I cannot see the much smaller yet somehow much more filling piece of plan. Because my plans are so big that they will collapse, and so clumsily constructed that I can’t even navigate them. On the other hand, I cannot be so wrapped up in how incompetent and weak I am and how nothing I do matters and I cannot impact anyone or be loved by anyone or do anything right because I’m so lame, that I can’t see the things God will give me if I TRY while TRUSTING Him. I thought I had that down, but apparently I didn’t.
I think that it is a lot of grace that my utterly awful attitude about myself and life and the way I’ve hurt other people and worried other people has STILL yielded to this realization.
Soli Deo Gloria. Glory to the One who made us all and knows infinitely better.
Thank you for staying with me despite my faults, especially the ones you can’t see. Please always encourage me, as long as it is in you, to keep going with a whole heart no matter what I might doubt.
-Me. April 30 2012.
Killing
"There's something like a nothingness that's terribly elusive. The more I want to shut me down, the more I am abusive."
This lyric was stuck in my head today. I think that's rather interesting, seeing as it fits surprisingly well with where I was at today, personally. And the past few days. Week. Whatever.
I'm ready to kill myself. Not literally, physically, destructively, but I am ready to get rid of the part of me that is very human, very sinful, and what I thought was very 'me'. For a long time, I wasn't ready. I wanted to hang onto that because I thought it was my identity. But Christians don't make their own identity. Their identity is what God has done to and for them. There are parts of the old me that I cling to a lot... things to make me 'better' in other peoples' eyes, things to hide who I really am, things to bridge the gap between me and other people, things to make me feel like I am awesome.
But lately, I've just become sick of it all.
I want to define a bit here - self-hatred and self-degradation are a different thing than hating your sinfulness. The past six days have brought both. I became sick of living with myself. I also discovered that hating yourself and being consumed with that is not good. It's a form of self-worship. It's just as prideful as thinking you are the best person ever.
I try not to think in selfish pride. But the truth is, it's so ingrained in me, it's so much a part of who I am, that I absolutely cannot root it out. I can't even come close. My thoughts go automatically to what will most benefit my 'image' and bring me the most praise or whatever, and there's no way I can stop them even ninety percent of the time, because I've been training myself to think like that for all of my past life, even when I didn't know it. The length of my awfulness goes so far that I can't even explain it to you.
I'm still going through this. Even though I thought I was good, thought I'd learned this, thought I knew what to do, I'm still having lots of struggles. It's going be very hard. I might not make it. But for the first time I really, really want to toss myself out.
This lyric was stuck in my head today. I think that's rather interesting, seeing as it fits surprisingly well with where I was at today, personally. And the past few days. Week. Whatever.
I'm ready to kill myself. Not literally, physically, destructively, but I am ready to get rid of the part of me that is very human, very sinful, and what I thought was very 'me'. For a long time, I wasn't ready. I wanted to hang onto that because I thought it was my identity. But Christians don't make their own identity. Their identity is what God has done to and for them. There are parts of the old me that I cling to a lot... things to make me 'better' in other peoples' eyes, things to hide who I really am, things to bridge the gap between me and other people, things to make me feel like I am awesome.
But lately, I've just become sick of it all.
I want to define a bit here - self-hatred and self-degradation are a different thing than hating your sinfulness. The past six days have brought both. I became sick of living with myself. I also discovered that hating yourself and being consumed with that is not good. It's a form of self-worship. It's just as prideful as thinking you are the best person ever.
I try not to think in selfish pride. But the truth is, it's so ingrained in me, it's so much a part of who I am, that I absolutely cannot root it out. I can't even come close. My thoughts go automatically to what will most benefit my 'image' and bring me the most praise or whatever, and there's no way I can stop them even ninety percent of the time, because I've been training myself to think like that for all of my past life, even when I didn't know it. The length of my awfulness goes so far that I can't even explain it to you.
I'm still going through this. Even though I thought I was good, thought I'd learned this, thought I knew what to do, I'm still having lots of struggles. It's going be very hard. I might not make it. But for the first time I really, really want to toss myself out.
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